won aye emm (1am) -- phonetically speaking

it's one o'freakin clock in the morning and i'm awake. i'm entired too tired to sleep. i'm entired too tired to make myself type with the CAPS where they're supposed to go.

three xanax later and i still can't relax. i was laying in bed thinking of possible food combinations for a possible next food network star audition tape i could send in. of course, once on the show, i'd be eliminated quickly, as my actual technical knowledge flounders. i am, however, prescribed the xanax if that's what you're wondering. my firefox spellcheck is picking up xanax as an incorrectly spelled word. it is not. of course.

i went to a pot luck play date the other day. the theme was finger foods. i made mini chicken tacos. i even took the time to make the mini taco shells myself. i meant to take a picture. i just didn't get around to it. you make these mini shells by cutting corn tortillas with a 3" cookie cutter...or in my case i used a wine glass. then you wrap the tiny cutouts in a damp towel and put them in the microwave for approximately 2 minutes to soften them. after they're softened, brush both sides with olive oil, sprinkle with salt, and drape each cut out over a slat on a baking rack to form the shell's shape. i used my roasting pan and rack. i turned the rack crosswise over the pan so that the pan's sides held the rack up off the bottom of the tray. i'm sure that made a ton of sense. anyway, after the shells are in place, pop 'em in a 350 degree oven for about 15-20 minutes (or until crispy and not browned at all). you can then save them in an airtight container for up to three days.

anyway, i took these scrumptious too cute creations to the pot luck. but that's beside the point.

the point is that there as a certain woman there with her bratty ass daughter. her daughter does nothing but screech and whine constantly. adrien was pushing around a toy vacuum and the stupid little shit was fuckin' scared of the vacuum. adrien would come towards her and she'd squeal at the top of her stupid little lungs and cling to her mommy. her mommy is equally as annoying...although she doesn't squeal. her mom was all like "she doesn't like the vacuum..." well i'm soo freakin' sorry, lady. my son does. your little bitch of a daughter can get over it. anyway, said daughter won't eat anything. her mother complains constantly about her horrible eating habits and has acted astonished on many occasions that adrien enjoys eating green beans and the like. she's absolutely beside herself because her freakin' spoiled little brat won't eating anything but crackers, cheese, cookies, and your basic junky fluff.

so anyway, it came time to eat at the pot luck. instead of saying to her daughter "you can have some grapes or cucumbers with dip" she gets a bowl, fills it full of goldfish and mini vanilla wafers and gives this to her daughter to eat...oh with a big sippy cup full of (what i'm sure is fully sugared up high fructose corn syrup containing) juice. then the mom sits there and talks about how she just can not get her to eat anything else. well have you offered her anything else lately? dumbass. d-u-m-b-a-s-s. if she doesn't want to eat the healthy stuff you offer her, give her a while. toddlers aren't that strong willed. soon hunger will kick in and they'll put their hand to their mouth with the food you're allowing.

this stupid woman also irks me, because she always seems to want to be interested in acting as if we're actually friends on some level. i barely consider her an acquaintance. a few weeks ago, another mom asked if i was pg. she said she'd sort of heard. that was fine. this woman was actually bordering on being a friend of mine. this all occured in the mall play area mind you. the sutpid woman i was talking about before was a pretty good distance away from me and the friend who were having our own conversation. a few minutes later, the annoying one slithers up to me and says "so i hear you're expecting...?" idiot. if i wanted her to know i would have told her. i smirked and said yes. then i had to run after adrien thank God.

this dumbass of a woman (who is one of those very gruff and obnoxious no class types) had to the nerve to say something to me about being pregnant on thursday night. i know she has no idea when i went through on thursday. but still. just don't say anything at all to me please. if you're a generic person in my book, please keep any and all conversations with me generic. better yet, just skip the conversation with me.

it's like the pregnant xray tech they sent to take my chest xray before my surgery on saturday. i mean, what the fuck were they thinking? honestly. i truly had to hold back from asking her if she was pregnant or just fat. when i thought of actually asking her, i truly did laugh out loud. she looked at me strange. i think i may have glared at her for a bit. oh well.

oh gosh, i've got that fuzzy feeling only alprazolam can bring. i can't believe i used to be able to take this stuff and function on a normal level. God, i must have been really stressed out then. i'm stressed now. i really am. i thought about throwing a good ol' fashioned screwdriver into the mix, but figured i'm probably still a little too dehydrated for vodka. plus, after my last experience with OJ, i figure i should steer clear of the acidity in it.

i am, also, utterly convinced i may have lupus. hypochondriac.

high-po-kon-dree-ack.

it's really amazing how quickly you can relapse to insomnia.

and if i've gotten anything out of this experience, it's that if i can't have a baby i want a puppy. and i have this huge urge to spoil adrien to pieces. good thing i'm not loaded. i'd be on a spending binge. i have the urge to binge eat again too. too bad i have no appetite. i was never lucky enough to get the bulimic side of things. always the ana here. always the loss of appetite.

ever read wasted by marya hornbacher? that pretty much my life until i met my husband.

so was taking my lovely medicine and listening to brand new or pink floyd.

i could possibly be teetering on that brink again. teetering on the days when 4 baths a day couldn't even keep me clean enough. teetering on the days when all i wanted to do was stay in bed all day. teetering on the days where one bite of cantaloupe sent me into a spin of whether or not i should immediately expel it from my body. whether the purge would have been from fear or from self inflicted torture on some level, i'm not sure. that, i believe, would have depended up on the day. i do however have a tiny tether named adrien to keep me grounded to my non teetering life.

tidbit: cantaloupe are rarely found in the united states. what most americans refer to as "cantaloupe" are actually musk melons. maybe my technical knowledge isn't floudnering.

i feel disconnected from andi...i want to be cuddled and adored and doted on and all in all fawned over. i really do crave that. but it's hard for me because he has to have such a different spin on this whole situation than i do. and i just can't seem to let my own selfishness past that part of this whole scenario. i can't get through the fact that all in all i have no idea how he feels about all of it.

the room is spinning and i'm surprised i'm doing quite as well as i am alliterating. my typing hasn't quite fell off yet. but think i hear the nerdy shows on discovery or tlc or possibly national geographic calling to me. i love educational programming. especially when i need to fall asleep.

my feet are cold.