Buzzkill

DISCLAIMER: As the title may imply, I apologize in advance if this post is a bit of a buzzkill. This is, however, pretty much my diary (I don't have a physical diary, so this is it); and whatever happenstance brought you to my blog, you happened upon my diary. So if this post is TMI or too personal, I apologize. I'm not trying to get sympathy. I just need to vent, and what better place than a diary -- right?

Anyway. Yesterday evening I noticed that I was sort of spotting. Not a whole lot. It wasn't even the bright red color you fear. Just a brown clump. Unnerved, and after hours, I called my OB's emergency line. He quickly returned my call. I explained the situation and he asked me to come in the next day (today) for an ultrasound to make sure everything is alright. He said it's not out of the ordinary (which I know it's not), but he wanted to be sure everything was alright. I had zero spotting with Adrien, and I rarely ever spot after papsmears and the like, of which they say spotting is "common". I'm not a spotter. I've been spotting since yesterday. Once again, not the bright red. Just the brown. I still fear it.

Anyhow, I can't go to the doctor. I do not have the gas to drive all the way up there (a good hour drive with traffic). I don't even have access to a car today. Andi's car is so low on gas, we're wondering if it will make it to the station. We still have a little gas in a gas can for the lawnmower, so it can be used if need be. So, with his car out of gas, he took mine to work today. My gas gauge is hovering just above E. I truly hope he makes it home safely. Even so, how will he ever make it back to work tomorrow? If you're wondering -- at this point -- why we don't just go and get more gas, I'll let you in on a secret. We have no money left until pay day, which is Friday. In fact, we have so little money left that we have negative money. So yay for me. I'm not sure how all of this happened, exactly. I'm really not. I suppose, if it weren't for bank fees, we wouldn't have [as much] negative money. Most of the reason we're overdrawn is because of stupid fees they seem fit to charge when you're already broke to begin with. We had a check returned. We don't know which one yet. It's either the one to the IRS or the one to the water company. The water company I can handle. The IRS? Not so much.

Our only hope to get out of this before tomorrow so that my husband can drive to work, is a PayPal payment pending from someone Andi did some design work for. However large the amount of money we are expecting via PayPal, we will surely still have very little left over after all of the bank fees we've apparently accrued. Hopefully, we will have enough to buy a little gas with. We do have food though, and that is what we really need to survive. And PayPal is so slow. Slower than my Mother. On top of PayPal being so slow to deposit the funds into your checking account, the guy who payed Andi the money to begin with took his sweet time with it. And to add salt to the wound, Andi owes half of the money payed to him to another designer he works with who took half the work load and helped him out. I hope she doesn't mind waiting until Friday for her share. Well, she doesn't really have a choice.

So there's all that and the bills keep coming. Andi interviewed with a company about a week ago. He had a second interview yesterday. He hasn't heard anything yet. They were supposed to let him know either way within a week. The only thing is that even if they do offer him the job, they haven't talked salary yet, so Andi doesn't even know if all of his efforts were in vain. He's talking about getting a night and weekend job. I really don't want him to do that. All in all, I'd rather go back to work than see that happen. But even Whole Foods didn't call me back for a cashier position I applied for. What's with people. I have a college degree and am qualified to do many things. No one will even give me an interview. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel really inadequate most of the time.

I remember in college, I was the girl who always had the best projects turned in. I had the best grades. At jobs I've always gotten top ratings by my employers. Even when I worked at Cartier for the biggest bitch ever, she thought I was the tops. Every employer has loved me...that is until my last one. I worked for this guy. I was his assistant. The guy I'm speaking of is named Alakazia. He's horrible. He's selfish. I'm sure he is taking more than his credit for the Baby Phat line (you have to read the story linked to previously). Anyway, he treated me like crap; got me to trust him; took me away from a stable job (Cartier) by hyping up the position I was moving into at the new company; and then fired me before my first 90 days were up because he didn't like me. Never mind the fact that I worked my ass off. He got pissy because I was his assistant (not his maid) and I wouldn't do things like clean his office after he'd tear it up in a fit. That was not in my job description. But that's a whole other story. Anyway, the point is, since my experience with Alakazia, I just don't feel like I'll ever be able to do anything (career wise) again. He really made me feel like shit as a person.

So all of that aside, even if I applied to every job I came across that I was qualified for, I doubt I'd even get a call back for an interview. Because believe me, I have applied for almost every job I see that I'm qualified for in the past and no one seems interested. They don't even give me a chance. Besides, I want to stay at home and raise Adrien. With having another baby, it seemed like there was no way to go back to work for me. Now I'm not so sure I'm going to be having another baby.

I called the nurse at my OB's office today and explained to her that there was no way I could make it up to the office this week because of car issues, etc. She understood. She set me an appointment for Monday. I hope everything is alright. I'm just a little freaked out. I've been having dreams about miscarriage, actually. The night before last (the night before I started spotting) I had a dream about it again. I've noticed my pregnancy symptoms start to disappear (about a week or so ago) and I got a little worried. My breasts aren't as sore as they were (or at all anymore) and I am not nauseous at all any more. The only symptom left is that I'm very tired and very fatigued all the time. Generally I'd be happy about the nausea going away, but I know when I was pregnant with Adrien I was sick for 3 months straight. So something just doesn't feel right.

The only thing the nurse could tell me was to "take it easy and stay off your feet. And don't have sex." She doesn't have to worry about the sex thing. But how am I supposed to "take it easy" when I have to chase Adrien around?

I just hope everything irons out soon. I truly don't know how we got in this situation. And I don't know what to do to get out of it. We could sell the house, but any apartment or rental property we got into would cost as much or more than our mortgage...so what would be the point of that?

I just don't know what to do and I can't seem to talk to anyone about it because it's so embarrassing. I'm sure none of the playgroup moms would care about this. I don't really have any real friends that I can unload on. So I have to do it here. And I apologize for that. I really just want to lay on the couch and cry all day.