Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hypochondriac V.1.2 beta

I'm absolutely sure I'm imagining all of this.

I'm absolutely sure I'm sick -- in one way or another.

I'm absolutely sure that I feel like I'm dying right now (of course, those wackos could argue that we've been dying since we were born)...

However, I am absolutely sure that I am merely being a hypochondriac. Or am I?

I constantly feel sick. I constantly have horrible fatigue. No matter how much I sleep, I always need more. My head feels like it's going to explode. My stomach is always upset. I'll go a few weeks feeling decent; I'll go a few weeks feeling like crap. It's a vicious cycle. I feel like my body is so polluted from everything -- the food I eat, the things I drink, all the caffeine I ingest.

My muscles feel like rocks; my head like a grenade with the pin pulled -- waiting to explode. My vision got all blurry for a little while off and on at the play date today. I think my body is trying to tell me something.

Remember a while back when I had the rash/mouth sore outbreak? That was just before I found out I was miscarrying...actually it was probably the event that triggered it. I looked up my symptoms (current and recurring) online and all signs pointed to lupus (possibly). My grandmother's (maternally) sister's daughter had it, so I know that it's a possibility that it's inherited. But when I asked my OB about testing for it (maybe as a possible cause of the miscarriage), he passed it off as "hard to diagnose with tests" (which it is, but) and not likely; what he really meant was that I'm loony or that he doesn't have time or energy to put into it. And I most likely do sound loony.

But something is wrong. I just know it. I hate going to the doctors because I feel like they're always questioning you anyway -- are these real symptoms or imagined?

So for now, I've almost developed a phobia of putting anything into or onto my body. I feel as if that will only further pollute me. I tried to eat earlier -- it's not working. Nothing tastes good. Nothing sounds good.

Nothing is good.


Rantings by a Middle Aged Drama Queen said...

I think by your symptoms you could very well have lupus. I think you should try another doctor if yours is not taking you serious.

Kelly said...

What the hell? It must be something in the cosmos...both my kids were/are sick..and well if you read my latest post..I am slowly going down hill. I actually got a dr. appointment today at 330 so I am glad about that. I would try another Dr. too..getting other consultations and demand some tests and/or labwork. Then hopefully it will put your mind at ease..thats what I am hoping too anyway...I will be thinking about ya!

Zoƫ said...

"rantings" is right in suggesting that you get yourself examined by another physician. the worst type of doctor is the kind who doesn't take every possibility (no matter how unlikely) seriously.

ps thanks for stopping by