Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The potential of possibility

Sometimes I get so upset about life in general. Mostly, I just get so jealous of my husband. Is that normal? I don't know. I just get to where I feel like he has all these little "extras" in his life. He has a great career [whereby he actually uses his education and follows his dreams]. He has an iPhone. He has a laptop on loan to him from his job. He can decide to go buy himself new clothes with no guilt. He decides when he's going to do what, and with whom he's going to do it with. He has a wife who cooks for him. He has a wife who raises his kids. He has a wife who gives up a lot for everyone else in her life.

I just get so mad sometimes and I hold it all against him. Yes, I even hold his iPhone against him. I hold the money he gets to spend guilt free on whatever he deems appropriate against him. Why? Because I don't have that luxury. I feel guilty about everything. I live with guilt. And to get around it, I just give things up. I don't demand much...and the only extras I get are things like the extra few servings of brownies I eat throughout the day, or the few minutes here and there I steal to get online while Adrien's occupied during the day. I just bottle it all up I guess. And then I just end up letting it all out in little spurts...and when anyone asks what's wrong I say nothing.

So this is me admitting that I'm jealous of my husband and all the little things he has. Everything he has that I don't. It just pisses me off some days. What about all the stuff that I want?

Pssht. Want? What does that even mean? I relegate that to daydreaming about the potential of possibility.


Missy said...

I get where you are coming from, but isn't he working for all of you? Isn't it your money too? I do not think you should feel guilty, you are doing important work for your family!

(I know my SAHM sister-in-law has no problems spending the money my brother makes and then some!)

If it makes you feel better, here is my contribution to this support group:

I get jealous, well, maybe that is not the right word but it is something, of my husband because I have a 9-5 job with a steady salary and benefits. I take care of the bills. He is a film maker who does all sorts of random freelance work and he loves it. He works all the time-every day, so I do not get to see him much and he is unable to help with day-today life stuff. That makes me sad on its own.

He buys equipment for his business with the bulk of his income and sends the rest to "us". What he gives to "us" is about 1/3 of what I contribute. So even though we both work 40+ hours a week we make a little more than 1 person's middle class salary.

I try to be patient and understand that he is building his business and his career, but part of me just wants a partner who contributes the same as me so we have double the income and I can unwind about money. Instead I go to work and make a decent salary but feel like I am back in college living paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to be rich, I just want to RELAX! And save!

Whoa..heavy comment! It felt good to write.

Did you feel good sharing?

Rantings by a Middle Aged Drama Queen said...

Well my husband should be jelly of me! I stay at home all day, I have no children for this week and next, but I always don't have them every other week. I get to be online anyway all day or play my games (heck my "baby" is 4). Then when pay check comes I pay all the bills and the rest I make him buy me things with. He seems pretty happy for our arrangement. If he didn't I wouldn't care. If I was you..........everything he got I would have also. Now my husband has a cell phone, and I don't BUT I have a brand new bedroom set. Your the reason he has a nice house to come home to, and food on the table, you should be pampered and adored. You may have to make him see that and then he will be better.

Kelly said...

I feel ya! I am totally jealous my husband has so many hobbies and the time to enjoy them at that matter.
Anywho, have a fabulous Mothers Day!