Sunday, January 13, 2008

My feelings ARE important

My husband really pisses me off sometimes. Even more over -- hurts my feelings.

I know that every single married woman reading this is saying "Well if I had a dime for every time..." But really. It's my blog, so don't belittle the writing. I can rant if I want.

It seems like every month or two I have a huge breakdown in which I inform my husband that I just don't feel loved enough. Not that I don't think he loves me. I know he does. It's just more like I feel as though he doesn't show it anymore. I start feeling a bit like I'm being taken for granted and that's just not fair. So after a few months of feeling neglected, we had this conversation yet again (the other night). Of course, I cry and he ends up apologizing. But first thing out of his mouth was something about me not showing any affection either. I realize that's a normal response. I really do. And maybe he feels the same way I do, but I don't see him giving any valiant efforts at a conversation to work things out. So to me, it feels like it doesn't really bother him -- or simply that he doesn't notice. Not sure which is worse.

Anyhow, so these conversations are generally followed by a few days (sometimes a week) of him "trying", and then things just fall back into a normal unaffectionate, indifferent swing. I'm sure I'm probably guilty of it too, but this isn't a blog written in third person, it's written by me. And so it's in my perspective.

And my perspective is this: So maybe I'm not the most affectionate person in the world any more. Maybe I don't throw myself all over you or shower you with kisses when you walk through the door at the end of the day. But neither do you. After a while, I've started to feel a little unimportant. This past Mother's Day I had to fight with you to even hear a "Happy Mother's Day"...and did I get a gift? No. Did I even get a "Thanks for running yourself ragged with our kid"? No. I didn't. In fact, this is what I got: I believe you said something to me to the effect of "I didn't realize it was such an important holiday." I think that about says it all, don't you? After all, I planned you an entire party for Father's Day. Well was that good enough? Did it give you an iota of guilt? No. Why? Well because you argued that I had planned that for the play group, and not you. So I guess it wasn't that special to you. Well let me tell you something -- It was my flippin' idea for the flippin' party in the first place. And why do you think I had that idea? Because I wanted to give you a flippin' party for you "not so important" day. That's why. And if I didn't want to give a party for you to begin with, I never would have had that idea for the play group Father's Day Party. And besides, do you really rationalize saying that I didn't give you anything for Father's Day either? Apparently you do. So apparently the party really didn't mean anything to you. So sorry. I thought it was a nice gesture.

Or how about all those times I woke up in the middle of the night to feed Adrien solo while I was still working full time? I had to go to work every single day too. And yet, I was still the one bearing the full load of responsibilities when it came to our son. I woke at night to feed him, multiple times a night. I was so exhausted, but I'm glad someone was getting some sleep. I hold so much against you for that. I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but come on. You tried to high-five me the other day when I announced I'd (hopefully) be breastfeeding the next baby, so you wouldn't have to worry about getting up at night. You wanted to high-five me for that? Are you serious? I know I get the luxury of staying at home now, so even if I wasn't breastfeeding, I'd still get up with the baby. After all, I don't have to go to work the next day and you do. I just wish I'd been shown the same courtesy. Courtesy. All courtesies take are a little bit of thought. Instead, I'd hear you joke about how I was the one who had to wake up all night long and you got to sleep. All of that and you'd think I'd get a little Mother's Day present or thank you along the way. But no. Apparently I'm a nag for even wanting a Mother's Day gift.

And then there are incidents like today: when I got scolded like a bad child for eating a few shreds of the mountain of cheese you had grated for our chili-cheese dogs. I thought you must have been kidding at first, when you told me to "Stop eating all the cheese!" But then you got really heated, and I actually kept eating just to piss you off. Then it ended with you throwing the cheese in the refrigerator and exclaiming something to the effect of "I HATE it when people do that!!!!" Well, Mr. High and Mighty -- you eat pieces of food while I'm cooking all the time. And really -- did you think I was going to eat all of the cheese? Apparently so, because you were a real jackass about it. In fact, my feelings are still hurt. I literally had three little bites of cheese out of what was probably a cup and a half you had grated. Were you just afraid big fat me would devour it all leaving none for yourself? It's bringing tears to my eyes right now. I mean, grow up -- it was just cheese. And honestly, if I want to fucking eat it, I will. Next time you act that way I think I'll pour it all down the disposal. How would that be for eating all the cheese?

So, I'm sorry, Dear Husband, if I'm not the most enthusiastic when it comes to your adoration. But after a few years of being made to feel like I'm not worth a "thanks" on the appropriated day, I just don't adore you much anymore. Rather, I adore you (very much), just not always the way you make me feel. Make me feel important and appreciated a little more and maybe I'll send something your way. I realize you have to give what you want to get in return. But do I really have to beg for a Mother's Day Gift or a shred of cheese every now and then? Why can't those things just be given to me?

5 comments:

Kelly said...

Oh my, how I can so relate. My husband doesn't like any of those holidays, for example Mothers Day, Valentines, etc. He says the greeting card companies made these 'holidays' up, and it guilts you in to buying more un nessesary stuff. I understand his point to an extent..yeah its a consumers world..sure..unnessesary buying isn't the answer, but damn it I like doing something romantic on Valentines Day, or maybe getting pampered on Mothers Day. I like to make a big deal about birthdays..I have thrown 2 surprise parties for him..and never, ever has he done anything remotley surprising for me. Yeah I know I shouldn't care, and its the thought that counts, but c'mon who doesn't want a party? lol
Hope things get better with your hubs. How have you been feeling with the pregnancy? I hope everything is going well for you. :)

Jessa said...

I've felt the same way with my husband. Underappreciated and over taken for granted. I'm sorry you are dealing with one of these spots in your marriage right now.

Lisa said...

He sounds like an ass. I have a DH of my own (it doesn't stand for dear husband, it's dickhead in my house).

I have put up with all the horrible behavior you talk about (and then some). I try to just ignore it but lately I have been getting pissed. So, I started doing little things just to get even. It helps.

Good luck. I know it sucks.

Momma Bean said...

I feel like you've been a fly on the wall of some of my discussions with my husband! I also know he loves me, but I miss feeling adored. And, like you, every once in awhile, I can't take it anymore and we get into an argument about it. Uh oh...it's been awhile. Maybe we're due for another soon.

Mimi aka pz5wjj said...

HUGS!

Hope you're feeling better!

I know it helps to get it off your chest!

Boys are clueless. End.Of.Story.