Ever woke up one day with a feeling of you've lost yourself? Or just that you feel far away from the place in life you should be? Here comes the hippie dippy jibber jabber again, but really. I'm a hippie dippy kinda' gal [sometimes].
I mentioned in my last post something about:
It almost feels like I woke up one day and decided that everything in my life presently is wrong.
And so I do (feel that way). I don't know if it's morals or karma pulling on me. Could be just hormones...but I can't help but feel like Jesus and Buddha are in the back of my head simultaneously reminding me of the "do unto others" clause in my spiritual contract. Sunday School this past week focused on loving others, and loving your enemies. You know, the whole "If someone slaps your cheek, offer the other" type thing. I've been thinking about my current situation lately -- even before Sunday School this past week. How associations with people could change you indefinitely -- and not necessarily for the better. How every action has an equal and opposite reaction. All that crap -- ya know. And I ain't talkin' physics. It has a lot to do with the subject matter of my post yesterday.
A question that arose in my mind during Sunday School was this: when do you say enough is enough? I get the whole parable of the cheek slapping. I understand the "if someone takes your cloak, offer up your tunic as well." Jesus taught at the Sermon on the Mount that you should love your enemies and have them do what they will. Our class on Sunday surmised that what he most likely meant was for the offender to come to terms with their own misgivings through your submission to their tortures. Like someone will abuse you long enough and one day say "Gee, why are you letting me do this? I am wrong." But that doesn't always happen. So therein lies the persistence part, and somewhere along the way I'm sure there's a moral to the story about just that: hanging on when the times get tough. As a person, you should love your enemies enough and respect their point of view to allow the actions to occur. I get all that. I do. But when is it alright to stand up for yourself, or to do something to change the situation. I certainly don't think Jesus meant that you should stand and beaten down over and over without turning the tides.
However, nowhere in His sermon did Jesus decree that one could not just avoid the situation all together. Maybe that's a cop out. Possibly. But, it does seem one way of dealing with a persistent problem. Case in point, a problematic person. If one is having problems with a person, doesn't it make sense to avoid them altogether, therefore avoiding said problem? I think so.
I'm beating around the bush a bit. I know -- but in my defense, I mentioned hippie dippy jibber jabber in the first paragraph of this post. Jibber jabber meaning just that. So you knew what you were getting yourself in for. Hang with me here.
What I'm really trying to say (under all the parables and prophetic screaming in my head), is that I'm starting to feel like there are people and situations in my life that are making my karma feel a bit clogged. They're cloudin' up my aura...turning it to black I'm sure (the bit about being unbalanced, not protected). All of this is making me feel so uneasy about everything. Last night I could hardly get to sleep. The weight of current situations is pressing in hard on me, and I just don't like it one bit. I don't think I had much to do with bringing these situations into my life, either. I mean, I didn't personally -- rather I brought them into my life through other people who I associate with. Get it? I'm letting everyone else's drama become my own, and in the end no one wins that way.
So, back to the solution. Removing myself from the situation. That'd be great if it were only that easy. How are you supposed to remove yourself from your own life? The problems involve so many people I associate with that I'd literally be turning my life upside down if I just removed myself completely. But if I go on with the associations, I think I'll only become more and more clouded and uncomfortable.
I just need to get up the balls to let everyone know how the cow ate the cabbage. (You've seriously never heard that saying?) I don't even know if that would be the right thing to do. You're supposed to love your enemies...but these aren't even enemies. They're people I call friend.
I just can't tell where they fit into my life anymore. I don't think they do. But without them, I'd really have no one.
I don't know what to do and I've just about parabled myself into a corner here. Too bad I can't have a good stiff drink right now. Seriously.
Rum and coke, anyone?