I don't really know what to post. Other than this.

I had an appointment with the doctor (OB) yesterday. It was the second half of an appointment I'd gone in for a few weeks ago. I was getting a ultrasound so he could check for any cysts, etc. He didn't find any of that, but he did find a baby. Yes, I'm pregnant. Probably about three or four weeks or so. It was a little sphere. I've never seen a ultrasound that looked like that. With Adrien, by the time I got my first ultrasound, I was already 12 weeks along or so and by that point, they sort of resemble babies. Good thing I didn't partake in any drinking at the party the other night ha, ha!

We had been trying...a little. I really haven't been on birth control for about the last 10 months or so. We (my husband and I) had about decided it was time for another little one so that our kids wouldn't be spaced too far apart.

Here's the kink in the line: My husband has decided he wants me to go back to work. Apparently I was not aware of just how much financial problems we were having until a few weeks ago...which is when I got pregnant apparently. I definitely do not wish to return to work because I'd like to stay here with Adrien. I love spending the days with him, even when he is more than a handful. I also don't want to have to go back to that life of only seeing him for a few hours before bedtime. Then I'd go to sleep at night and get up and do it all over again. I hated that. I think it must have been extremely naive of my husband to agree with me to have another child when he knew the depth of our financial problems and I did not. I knew we weren't swimming in money, but I thought we were at least making it.

Now he wants me to go back to work. Now. I came home all happy from the doctor yesterday to tell him the news and he smiled, paused, and then frowned a little. He said, "You know, there's a bad side to that. You've got to go back to work now."

I don't see the point. We're not going to be much better off whether I do or not. $600 per month will be spent on day care for Adrien. And then I'm wasting all that precious time left with Adrien for it to just be me and him. I think my husband should find a different solution to our problem. I'm fine without TV. I'm fine without a home phone. He's not. I can do without a lot of things. He can not. "Besides," he says, "we have a contract with the satellite provider." I just can't believe that he wants me to go back to work while I'm pregnant. What an ass. He really doesn't see things my way. To him it's more money, but to me it's a mountain of stress and guilt over leaving Adrien in day care. Add to that the fact that Adrien's days with me all to himself are severely numbered now...that's enough guilt right there. I don't care if we're broke and our credit is shite. I really do not. We already own a house. We won't need to qualify for a mortgage or anything for a long time coming.

Well blah. I would like to say Piss off. Why is it my job to fix everything? I have to sacrifice to go back to work. He doesn't have to sacrifice anything for me to go back to work. He thinks it's so easy. I don't have enough experience to qualify for a job that pays enough in the field I have my degree in. I have administrative experience (not what I have a degree in), but not enough to qualify me for a job that would pay me what I need to make ends meet after paying for day care month after month. Plus I'm going to start showing in a few months, and I'm sure my employer would love that. I could work in retail, but the pay sucks and I'd be on my feet all day. Not to mention the ridiculous hours retailers want you to work.

On top of it, I'm already a mother. That in itself is, unfortunately, a liability to every single person who might consider me for a position with their company. I was fired from my last job because (although they didn't say this, per say) I let my son "get in the way" of the job at hand. Their idea of "getting in the way" was because I'd taken off a day and a half when he was 2 1/2 months old or so with a 103 degree fever and runny nose. I would have had to take off all week if it weren't for my Mom being able to come help out and watch him while I returned to work. OH, and I left a grand total of 30 minutes early one Friday to pick Adrien up from day care on time because my husband was working a little late. I was called into one of my supervisor's office where she gave me a lecture on letting your kids come between you and your job.

Piss off. Aren't you the breadwinner? Win some freakin' bread already.