A fork in the road

It is sometimes the hardest to remember that our paths are already chosen for us. We forget that God knows how its going to end before we even begin. In our own human stubbornness, we plow through life with the rare realization that we have a purpose in this life. We get caught up in the day to day grind and routine of it all, often times never noticing those forks in the road that have been set out for us. I mean, sure, we've all got hose little decisions: turn left or right, cream or no cream, paper or plastic. But its those really big decisions in life that can be scary. The ones that will turn your life upside down. Sometimes we feel like we're deciding which road to take blindly; with no guidance from anyone. It's a shot in the dark. Other times, God sends us huge signs to follow. And still other times, He forces us down a path. I think the forced paths are the hardest pills to swallow. After all, God set in motion free will within each of us. Forced is often not in our vocabulary.

A few months back, my husband opened our mortgage statement to find we owed about $500 more than usual. We thought it was a mistake. A call to the mortgage company assured us it wasn't. It seemed that, since we'd built our house, our escrow payment had been sorely under charged. We owed a lot -- over a year and half's worth -- of property, city, and county taxes. The entire time we'd lived in this house, we'd been paying taxes on land only, with no house occupying the space. Obviously, there's a house here.

The mortgage company was able to work with us a bit on our payment, but it still went up quite a bit. When you are raising tow kids on one income, it's hard to come up with that "extra" few hundred dollars at the end of the month. If that higher mortgage statement had come just a few weeks earlier, we wouldn't have bought the new SUV we'd just brought home only three weeks prior to opening that mortgage statement. We wouldn't be in this mess. But it didn't, we did, and we are -- in a huge mess. As of Monday we are 2 months late on our house payment. We pay half of it every two weeks, but we're slipping closer and closer to foreclosure.

A few weeks ago, my husband was online perusing jobs, when he saw the name of the town his parents live in show up. He clicked to check out the job, only to find that it was exactly what he was looking for. Not thinking anything would come of it, he sent his resume off. A few hours later, he had an interview set up for the next week. The company, apparently, was looking for a candidate with his exact qualifications and experience. So he interviewed, never imagining they'd be able to pay him the salary we needed. To our amazement, they said his salary requirement was no problem. Andi meets with the CEO tomorrow. He should have an offer soon after.

Although we'd been talking about moving closer to family recently, I never thought he'd actually find a job that payed...in his career field [They have tech jobs in the sticks?]. This entire thing has thrown me for a loop. Of course I have a huge fear of what will happen when we leave. Will we be able to sell or lease our house? I'm not sure. Facing foreclosure is scary. I fear it will butcher our credit...and why wouldn't it? What kind of future will that be? Will we ever have a house again? [Do we deserve one?] For that matter, will we ever have anything again? Remembering that God will provide is increasingly hard. But He does, and He will. No matter how ashamed I feel right now, I have to be able to pick my chin up to thank God for all that I do have.

After returning to Andi's parents' house after a disappointing search for an affordable, decent sized apartment to cram the last two years of our life into, we learned that the house next to Andi's parents' property is going up for rent. Being a long-time family friend, the owner is willing to rent to us. God's providing us a home...And even though we'll most likely be staying with his parents for a short time while we figure things out financially, I'm grateful for that home. Those apartments were breaking my heart.

Here I stand, at a huge fork in the road. I'm completely out of breath and scared. Up until now I've been too proud to write about all of this...or even talk to friends about it. I cling to my material possessions so tightly, and have for so long, that losing them is putting huge holes in my self. My whole life is down the road I'm on right now: friends, church, things...Stepping foot down my new path feels like jumping into an abyss. It's dark and unknown. I have to give it all to God and take the leap anyway.

I'm absolutely terrified.

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By the way, in case you're wondering, we have called the mortgage company. Despite the overwhelming number of foreclosures looming in America, our lender is unwilling to help us. They said that given all of our bills and expenses, since we have no surplus of income at the end of the month, they're unwilling to help us. If we had a surplus of income, don't you think we'd be paying our mortgage with it?